New Delhi, April 2 (Reuters)--A Hindu group in India offered today to  
shelter British cows threatened with slaughter because of mad cow disease.  
 --The Times 
"Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes  
in black and white." 
 -- A Cambodian newspaper, quoted in the Times, on using British cows to  
detonate unexploded land mines 
BERLIN, N.H.--Republican Presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan today  
proposed that the United States import the 4.7 million British cows affected  
by mad-cow disease and deploy them across the U.S.-Mexican border to deter  
illegal immigrants. 
DALLAS--Ross Perot today attacked the idea of deploying cows along the  
U.S.-Mexican border, saying that hungry illegal immigrants would be likely  
to "take a bite of 'em on the way over and then we'd end up with tens of  
thousands of crazy Mexicans running around. I ask you," he told a crowd, "is  
that the America we want to leave for our grandchildren?" 
FAIRFAX, Va.--The National Rifle Association today announced that it has  
offered to send its entire 3.3 million membership over to England to assist  
with its massive cow-culling effort. NRA executive Wayne LaPierre said that  
if Britain did not have such stringent gun-control laws, "they'd have been  
able to nip this problem at the start." He called on congress to immediately  
repeal the ban on some types of so called "assault rifle", and  
include the 12.7mm Elsie Eliminator, so that the membership can "do  
the job right." 
BOGOTA--Luis Alfonso Maquilon Amaya, a head trafficker for the Cali cocaine  
cartel, is reportedly trying to buy up all 4.7 million mad British cows on  
the black market. According to sources here, the plan is 
to stuff the cows full of cocaine and ship them to the United States.  
 "Normally we have problems with customs when the bags break inside and the  
animals make a big scene," a source said. "But a vaca loca isn't bothered  
too much by even a couple of kilos in its bloodstream."  
CANBERRA--The Australian government has said it will take delivery of all  
British mad cows. Trade Minister Tim Fischer said that the plan  is to  
"float the cows off beaches so the sharks will eat them instead of tourists  
and the odd Prime Minister." 
LOS ANGELES--Entertainer Michael Jackson and Saudi Prince Al Waleed BinTalal  
announced today that they will create a theme-park home for all British cows  
afflicted with mad-cow disease. Stroking a cow's forelock as he spoke at the  
press conference in a barely audible whisper, the singer would not provide  
details of the amusement park or venture to explain why people would pay to  
be with millions of mad cows other than to say it would be "really, really  
WASHINGTON--Mayor Marion Barry today offered to use Britain's mad cows to  
fill District of Columbia potholes. The one problem, he said, is that there  
are only 4.7 million cows, and the district has 7.8  million 
JORDAN, Mont.--The FBI plans to stampede more than four million  mad British  
cows in an effort to force the Montana Freemen to end their stand- off, it  
has been learned. FBI director Louis Freeh declined to 
comment on reports that British Hercules C-130 cargo planes have been  
observed dropping large numbers of cows by parachute near the standoff area.  
BEIJING--China announced today that it plans to conduct "amphibious mad-cow  
exercises" in the Taiwan Strait. Secretary of State Warren Christopher  
warned China's leadership that the U.S. viewed the development "seriously."  
NEW YORK--The Council of Fashion designers of America said today that it  
 would use British mad cows in its runway shows. "Fashion  recognizes its  
responsibility to help," said C.F.D.A. director Fern Mallis. "The cows are  
very contemporary, they look great in leather, and their eyes have the  
HOLLYWOOD--A group of actors and actresses has called on prime Minister John  
Major to "stop the slaughter" of British mad cows and "do something positive  
instead, like vaccinate them or whatever." "We feel the government hasn't  
done enough," said Liam Neeson. Neeson  said he has felt sympathetic toward  
British cows ever since the filming of the movie "Rob Roy," in which he  
escaped from soldiers by hiding inside the carcass of a large, decomposing  
Hereford. The group, Creativity United to Denounce the Slaughter (CUDS),  
plans to distribute lapel udders with ribbons.  
OAK BROOK, Ill--The McDonalds Corporation announced today its plans  to  
introduce a new line of sandwiches next month called Mad Macs.