WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE MAD COWS IN BRITAIN New Delhi, April 2 (Reuters)--A Hindu group in India offered today to shelter British cows threatened with slaughter because of mad cow disease. --The Times "Surely the solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes in black and white." -- A Cambodian newspaper, quoted in the Times, on using British cows to detonate unexploded land mines BERLIN, N.H.--Republican Presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan today proposed that the United States import the 4.7 million British cows affected by mad-cow disease and deploy them across the U.S.-Mexican border to deter illegal immigrants. DALLAS--Ross Perot today attacked the idea of deploying cows along the U.S.-Mexican border, saying that hungry illegal immigrants would be likely to "take a bite of 'em on the way over and then we'd end up with tens of thousands of crazy Mexicans running around. I ask you," he told a crowd, "is that the America we want to leave for our grandchildren?" FAIRFAX, Va.--The National Rifle Association today announced that it has offered to send its entire 3.3 million membership over to England to assist with its massive cow-culling effort. NRA executive Wayne LaPierre said that if Britain did not have such stringent gun-control laws, "they'd have been able to nip this problem at the start." He called on congress to immediately repeal the ban on some types of so called "assault rifle", and include the 12.7mm Elsie Eliminator, so that the membership can "do the job right." BOGOTA--Luis Alfonso Maquilon Amaya, a head trafficker for the Cali cocaine cartel, is reportedly trying to buy up all 4.7 million mad British cows on the black market. According to sources here, the plan is to stuff the cows full of cocaine and ship them to the United States. "Normally we have problems with customs when the bags break inside and the animals make a big scene," a source said. "But a vaca loca isn't bothered too much by even a couple of kilos in its bloodstream." CANBERRA--The Australian government has said it will take delivery of all British mad cows. Trade Minister Tim Fischer said that the plan is to "float the cows off beaches so the sharks will eat them instead of tourists and the odd Prime Minister." LOS ANGELES--Entertainer Michael Jackson and Saudi Prince Al Waleed BinTalal announced today that they will create a theme-park home for all British cows afflicted with mad-cow disease. Stroking a cow's forelock as he spoke at the press conference in a barely audible whisper, the singer would not provide details of the amusement park or venture to explain why people would pay to be with millions of mad cows other than to say it would be "really, really wonderful." WASHINGTON--Mayor Marion Barry today offered to use Britain's mad cows to fill District of Columbia potholes. The one problem, he said, is that there are only 4.7 million cows, and the district has 7.8 million potholes. JORDAN, Mont.--The FBI plans to stampede more than four million mad British cows in an effort to force the Montana Freemen to end their stand- off, it has been learned. FBI director Louis Freeh declined to comment on reports that British Hercules C-130 cargo planes have been observed dropping large numbers of cows by parachute near the standoff area. BEIJING--China announced today that it plans to conduct "amphibious mad-cow exercises" in the Taiwan Strait. Secretary of State Warren Christopher warned China's leadership that the U.S. viewed the development "seriously." NEW YORK--The Council of Fashion designers of America said today that it would use British mad cows in its runway shows. "Fashion recognizes its responsibility to help," said C.F.D.A. director Fern Mallis. "The cows are very contemporary, they look great in leather, and their eyes have the look." HOLLYWOOD--A group of actors and actresses has called on prime Minister John Major to "stop the slaughter" of British mad cows and "do something positive instead, like vaccinate them or whatever." "We feel the government hasn't done enough," said Liam Neeson. Neeson said he has felt sympathetic toward British cows ever since the filming of the movie "Rob Roy," in which he escaped from soldiers by hiding inside the carcass of a large, decomposing Hereford. The group, Creativity United to Denounce the Slaughter (CUDS), plans to distribute lapel udders with ribbons. OAK BROOK, Ill--The McDonalds Corporation announced today its plans to introduce a new line of sandwiches next month called Mad Macs.