***   MST3K (Mystery Science 3000) Quotes   ***

If you've never seen this show, then you'll probaly be really confused.

 "The captain has turned off the `No Dubbing' sign. You are free to speak
 any language you
 "Fire laser gun!"
 --- Mighty Joe #1
 "Fire second battery!"
 --- Mighty Joe #2
 "Fire screenwriter!"
 --- Crow
 "You've been ordered to be executed! That oughta take the smile off your face!"
 --- Carraran guard
 "Not if you do it right ..."
 --- Crow
 "Hi, I'm Satan. Enjoy the film."
 "I think it's really the human part of him that's failing."
 "Well, the human side likes the rich taste, but the robot in him loves the
 frosty goodness."
 --- Tom & Joel
 "Help! I've plummeted to my death, and I can't get up!"
 --- Tom Servo
 "Hmmm, a lot of CHRYSLERS on this planet ..."
 --- Crow
 "Watch it -- we've got Moog synthesizers! We could kill you from here!"
 "'Chapter Two: Molten Terror'! Ooo, isn't terror bad enough without being
 --- Tom Servo (#1), "Commando Cody"
 "That must be Stanley, the lovable but gnarled garage door opener. That
 Stanley... always trying to
 help you do things right."
 --- Crow, "The Corpse Vanishes"
 "Kinda looks like a big, dumb Andy Griffith. Well, a big Andy Griffith."
 "Just plain old Andy
 --- Tom Servo/Crow, "Mad Monster"
 "Even if they kill that thing, they're going to need a lemon the size of a
 Volvo to eat it."
 --- Joel, "Black Scorpion"
 "Nice shooting, Lionel."
 --- Tom Servo
 "Thanks, Tyco."
 --- Crow, "Radar Men From The Moon"
 "'Women of The Prehistoric Planet'?! My sister had to watch this in Junior
 High. All the boys had
 to go in the gym."
 --- Joel, "Women of The Prehistoric Planet"
 "Scorpions like this always keep ice cold beer around."
 --- Joel, "Black Scorpion"
 "That's a commonly used movie device called fore-shortening."
 --- Joel
 "Instead of butter."
 --- Crow, "Radar Men From The Moon"
 "Tang cannot swim!"
 --- Tang
 "Will settle to bottom! Must stir!"
 --- Joel, "Women of the Prehistoric Panet"
 "Oh, that will go great in his alien-mutant-hell-beast-from-space collection!
 --- Crow, "Pod People"
 "Is that gravy? I thought the dog had gotten sick ..."
 --- Tom Servo
 "Joel, what are these films supposed to teach us?"
 --- Crow
 "We're born, we die, & there is a lot of padding in between."
 --- Joel, "Hellcats"
 "You know, that `Constant Heat Ray' sounds a LOT like a Chevy horn ..."
 --- Joel, "Radar Men from the Moon"
 "I've never seen so many Lava Lamps in my LIFE ..."
 --- Joel, "Radar Men from the Moon"
 "Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them
 a *pie chart* or
 --- Tom, "Mad Monster"
 Crow: "Why does the Earth have a shadow?"
 Tom: "Why are there clouds in space?"
 Crow: "Why are we watching this?"
 Tom: "Daddy -- what's Vietnam?"
 --- "The Corpse Vanishes"
 "No spiders were squished, stepped on, flushed, or made to suffer any
 emotional distress during
 the making of this film. One spider did die of old age; we have two letters
 from doctors confirming
 --- Tom Servo, "Earth vs. the Spider"
 "Hi, we're from America! We've come to decimate your jungle, convert your
 youth, and make you
 feel inferior!"
 --- Crow, "Gamera vs. Barugon"
 "Caution, filling is hot -- and alive."
 --- Tom Servo, "Gamera vs. Barugon"
 Joel: "Aw, I saw a wire. That wrecks everything."
 Tom: "You mean this is fake?"
 --- "Gamera vs. Barugon"
 Joel: "In Hollywood, Gamera is considered a triple threat. A performer,
 director, and monster."
 Crow: "Kind of like Barbra Streisand."
 --- "Gamera vs. Barugon"
 "We've secretly replaced the Pacific Ocean with Folgers crystals ..."
 --- Tom Servo, "Mighty Jack"
 Crow: "He looks like a cross between, uh, Jerry Mathers and James Dean."
 Tom: "'Beaver Without a Cause.'"
 --- "The Crawling Hand"
 "I'm gonna ask this once again, and it's only for the sake of conversation,
 but what DO you think
 is the tastiest part of the human body? Hands?"
 --- Tom Servo, "Lost Continent"
 "What's so scary about an alien that looks like the mascot of a college
 football team?"
 --- Tom
 "He must be from Texas A&M. You know -- `Ape & Monster.'"
 --- Crow, "Robot Monster"
 "Roger [Corman], this is God. Pick up the pace!"
 --- Crow, "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent"
 "Smart Vikings, foolish choices -- today on `Geraldo!'"
 --- Tom, "Viking Women and the Sea Serpent"
 "Don't point that goat at me -- it might go off!"
 --- Tom, "Slime People"
 "If you drag out our rotting, broken carcasses it means it didn't really
 work out very well."
 --- Tom, "Slime People"
 "You could see they're a more advanced civilization-- their furniture
 doesn't break!"
 --- Joel, "Commando Cody, Ch. 1"
 "Immolation is the sincerest form of flattery."
 --- Crow, "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"
 "This one feels like a suppository!"
 --- Crow, "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"
 "I don't know--once that robot gets into gear, you're really going to see
 him kick some Aztec!"
 --- Crow, "The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"
 "Hey, he's got a clean spear now. He musta stopped at L.L. Bean on the way."
 --- Tom, "Teenage Caveman"
 "Shh! Don't talk so loud! Everyone will want death now."
 --- Joel, "Teenage Caveman"
 "Wait, they're gonna destroy it with refrigerator magnets?"
 --- Crow, "Star Force: Fugitive Alien II"
 "You know, his country would win more wars if its national anthem was shorter!"
 --- Crow, "Star Force: Fugitive Alien II"
 "Our prisoners are baked, not fried!"
 --- Crow, "Star Force: Fugitive Alien II"
 "Van Damme and Van Damme in 'Van Damme You All to Hell!'"
 --- Tom, "Star Force: Fugitive Alien II"
 "Hey, they're flying over a pot roast! And it looks delicious!"
 --- Tom, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "Uh-oh, it's right-wing Highway Dept. death squad!"
 --- Tom
 "Let's rape the land! C'mon!"
 --- Crow, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "Well--tie a yellow coward round that old oak tree!"
 --- Crow, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "I'm guessin' he's thinkin' if he touches that monster he's gettin' a merit
 badge. Yep."
 --- Joel, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "You know, wild horses couldn't drag this plot any further."
 --- Tom, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "Mmm--munchy, crunchy, chocolatey commuters!"
 --- Crow, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "Oh, I hope that's not Mr. Bubble or Gamera's gonna get a kidney infection!"
 --- Tom, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "All right--it's a last resort, but send out the peel 'n eat humans!"
 --- Joel, "Gamera vs. Gaos"
 "No one's legs were ground off in the making of this film."
 --- Tom, "The Side Hackers"
 "Well--bye, honey! Don't wait up! I'll be dead!"
 --- Crow, "The Side Hackers"
 "Note to myself: Load guns before killing spree. Yeah!"
 --- Tom, "The Side Hackers"
 "Dear Diary--Well, we're all going to die and it's the men's fault. Our
 fiery demise is imminent,
 but at least I have my health--knock on wood. Oh, I saw the cutest thing on
 'Arsenio' last night..."
 --- Crow, "Rocketship X-M"
 They're in the spin cycle...'must-add-fabric-softener!'
 --- Tom
 "Socks are sticking to the side!"
 --- Joel, "Rocketship X-M"
 "Cheese it, it's an entire race of mimes! We gotta get back and warn Earth!"
 --- Joel, "Rocketship X-M"
 "Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a
 screeching halt."
 --- Tom
 "No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!"
 --- Crow, "Rocket Attack USA"
 "I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying!"
 --- Joel
 "Do not try to adjust your set. We will control what is boring."
 --- Crow, "Rocket Attack USA"
 "How come...Joel, how come they kill all these people but the credits don't
 get any shorter?"
 --- Crow, "The Phantom Creeps" Ch. 3"
 "How much Keeffe is in this movie?"
 --- Joel
 "Miles O'Keeffe!"
 --- Tom, "Cave Dwellers"
 "Hey now look, here you can actually see the driver turn and shoot Kennedy!"
 --- Crow, "Cave Dwellers"
 "Quick--run with me, friend, towards the danger!"
 --- Crow, "Cave Dwellers"
 "So, let's recap the action so far!"
 --- Tom
 "Uh, nothing really."
 --- Joel
 "Ah, you're right--let's move on, now."
 --- Tom, "Cave Dwellers"
 "Oh great, he killed a coconut!"
 ---Tom, "In cold milk!"
 "For once, this *was* a boating accident!"
 ---Crow, "Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster"
 "Oh--look at Godzilla go! I'll tell ya--there's no seafood lover in *him*!"
 ---Tom, "Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster"
 (notices four bikini-clad girls standing next to each other)
 "Oh, look, they're standing four abreast!"
 --- Joel, "Catalina Caper"
 "Jeepers, he holds the world's fate in his hands and he can't drive a stick!"
 --- Crow, "It Conquered the World"
 "You've beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl,
 but before the day is
 through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse! Now it's Miller Time!"
 --- Joel
 "Guys, it doesn't get any stupider than this!"
 --- Crow, "Wild Rebels"
 "This is my rifle, this is my gun. One is for retail, the other's for fun!"
 --- Tom, "Wild Rebels"
 "Oh, my goodness--I'm growing so fast I'm giving myself a wedgie!"
 --- Joel, "The Amazing Colossal Man"
 "Well, Fluffy, time to shave your butt and put cosmetics all over it!"
 --- Tom, "The Amazing Colossal Man"
 (for a scientist who has just removed a rabbit from a cage in the lab)
 "Well, would you like to sample our anti-depressant cart? We have bleu
 cheese valium, Flintsones
 chewable Prozac, and William Styron tablets." --- Crow, "The Unearthly"
 "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!"
 --- Crow, "The Unearthly"
 "Van Damme and Van Damme in 'Van Damme Yankees!'"
 --- Crow, "The Unearthly"
 "Find a Chevy, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!"
 --- Joel, "War of the Colossal Beast"
 "Oh, well this isn't good, not at all. I've seen good before, and it didn't
 look anything like
 this--remember that bad thing we saw? Well--it looked like this, remember?
 Yeah--definitely bad."
 --- Joel, "The Black Scorpion"
 (in a fine display of precision rambling)
 "You know, elf tastes just like chicken!"
 --- Tom, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"
 Scientist: "How do we stand on fuel?"
 Crow: "I'm in favor of it."
 --- "Rocketship X-M"
 [Military officer onscreen]
 Servo: "General Nuisance."
 Crow: "Major Indifference."
 Joel: "Colonel...Popcorn."
 --- "It Conquered the World"
 "Uh, oh. This isn't good. I've seen good before, and this isn't it."
 --- Tom Servo
 "What's a dead man but a live man without any life?"
 --- Tom Servo
 "We have no history. We have always been here."
 --- Amazon Leader
 "Then you have a history."
 --- Crow
 "I'm a scientist! I don't think, I observe."
 --- Dr. Clayton Forrester, "Hercules Against the Moon Men"
 Narrator: "There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics."
 Tom Servo: "Oops."
 --- Monster A-Go-Go
 Joel: "Since you can make a graphic novel about just about anything, why
 don't we come up with
 our own superheroes?"
 Crow: "Oh, I got one! It's called "Man man". He's bestowed with all the
 powers of a man, but...
 he's a man."
 Tom: "Wait, wait, maybe he draws his strength from Robert Bly!"
 --- "City Limits"
 Tom: "Well, one good thing about the apocalypse... plenty of parking."
 --- "City Limits"