The Five Stages of Drinking
      LEVEL 1:
      It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've  had a few beers. You
      get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your 
      friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.  Here at 
      level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as 
      long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
      LEVEL 2:
      It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 
      minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, 
      but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now 
      you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for 
      anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five       
      hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
      LEVEL 3:
      One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.  You've just 
      spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.  And now you're 
      thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" 
      At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you     
      buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you 
      like his face.  You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we 
      bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. 
      Tommy, you could cook.")  But at level three, that devil is a little 
      bit bigger....and he's buying.  And you're thinking "Oh, come on,      
      come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete       
      change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
      LEVEL 4:
      Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.  For last call, you 
      ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This      
      time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end    
      of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're       
      thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen."  You    
      and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and  
      one of you knows an ...after hours bar.  And here, at level four, you 
      actually think to yourself, " long as I'm only going to get 
      a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!!
      Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting 
      looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it      
      work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow
      LEVEL 5:
      Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money     
      back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named        
      Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a     
      bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning.   
      It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta     
      turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine.  I've got that brunch with       
      Hitler, I can't miss that."  At this point, you're all drinking some   
      kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding.  A   
      waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself,    
      "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!"  One of your friends stands up   
      and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.  You     
      crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level       
      five- the sun.  You weren't expecting that were you? You never do.     
      You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to  
      work, or  jogging.  And they look at you-and they know. And they       
      say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all  
      night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're   
      over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.  We all say the same  
      prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long  
      as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time,  
      I mean it!"