You know you are addicted to the Internet when... * You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. * You kiss your girlfriend's home page. * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. * And even your night dreams are in HTML. * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com * You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. * You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. * You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * All of your friends have an @ in their names. * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * Your dog has its own home page. * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue? * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. * You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor. * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. * You refer to your age as 3.x. * You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. * You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. * Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue? * You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. * You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. * You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html * You actually try that 123.elm.street address. * Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger bandwidth. * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. * Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel. * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. * Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. * You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher." * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. * The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. * You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you are pretending to catch your breath. * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. * You forget what year it is. * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." * You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. * Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.