X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 Message-ID: <3214DCA0.1A99@ADNC.com> Date: Fri, 16 Aug 1996 15:40:00 -0500 From: Brian Murphy
Organization: Dental Globe, Inc. X-Mailer: Mozilla 2.02 (Win95; I) MIME-Version: 1.0 To: firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com Subject: Yucks for the yuckless... Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Here are some jokes forwarded to me.. A guy was about to jump off a bridge when Santa comes up to him. Santa asks, "Do you know who I am, my son?". The guy didn't. Santa said: "I'm Santa Claus and if you're so miserable you were gonna kill yourself, I'm gonna turn your life into a happy one!... but first you have to do something...". "What is it, Santa?", the guy asked. "You have to give me head", said Santa. And so the guy starts doing it. After a few minutes santa turns to the guy and says, "How old are you, my son?". And the guy, with his mouth full says "I'm 42, Santa". "So," Santa says "and at the age of 42 you still believe in Santa?" ------------------------------------------- An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." ----------------------------------------- Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin' a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us." ----------------------------------------------- Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ------------------------------------------ In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story. It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken". ----------------------------- Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell." "That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?" Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," Gates exclaimed, "I want to see heaven." Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell." Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?" "Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."