For those of you who are current or ex Tandemites, this one is courtesy of 
the infamous Maurice. For those of you who are/weren't, never mind who it's
from, just read it >;-)



  How to Fail in Music

     Ah, semi-stardom. Luckily I am managing to avoid it and feel it is
     my duty to help others along the path of the most honorable of
     failures; the music business. The following is a list of
     personally tested methods to avoid any level of fame:

     1) Be original.

     Originality is the number one killer of bands world wide. Try to
     sound like yourself and you can rest assured that no major label
     will ever sign you. This is an easy way to avoid those time
     consuming label negotiations and large unruly crowds.

     2) Sing in your own voice

     Yes, again an easy one. WARNING: Do not sound like Eddie Vedder!
     You may think that you would be ignored for duplicating a popular
     artist, WRONG! People forget quickly. A foolish move like this one
     may land you in front of a maddeningly enthusiastic stadium crowd
     within a year.

     3) Utilize Higher Literary Methods

     Camp, hyperbole and irony are terrific ways to alienate listeners
     and stump critics. When confused, they will assume you are
     pretentious and hate you.

     4) Write Decipherable Lyrics

     Make sure your irony et al is clear. This speeds the process of

     5) Get a Really Big Producer to Love You

     The support of a big name producer gives a feeling of impending
     attainment thus creating disharmony within the group. The optimum
     failure stance is to be poised for success.

     6) Work Well with People

     By cooperating with club owners and promoters you send a message
     of gullibility. This allows the aforementioned to push your stage
     time during pinnacle showcases and under promote you.

     7) Ignore Dick Heads

     They hate that and dick heads can be fabulously motivated. A dick
     head will not sleep until he/she shows up a nice guy like you.
     This way, dick heads can promote the idea that you're the dick
     head (i.e. "If I'm the dick head, how come I'm headlining)?"

     8) Be Monogamous

     By being faithful, you can help to eliminate pesky, undersexed
     groupies who might choose to attend every show and tell everyone
     you're great.

     9) Trust Anyone

     By trusting people unconditionally, you establish a bond of
     suckerness (see #6). This will aid in all aspects of your failure.

     9.5) Emulate the Greats

     Try to emulate great artists. This will help you believe that you
     can take the musical chances they did. You can't.

     9.75) Do not Emulate Bad Artists

     Should you create a style exactly like, say, George Thorogood,
     people will think it's cute and you may find yourself trapped
     within immense demand.

     10) Speak Freely

     If there is a flaw in someone's work, TELL THEM IMMEDIATELY! Don't
     worry, they will not appreciate your honesty and discuss the
     issue; they will hate you.

     11) Let Someone in for Free

     They will tell everyone. This will eliminate the hassle of mailing
     lists and gigs being that no one will ever pay again.

     12) Talk to Fans

     By talking to fans you reduce the "pedestal effect." The fans will
     move on to a band that treats them like spit.

     13) Respond to Fan Mail

     See #12.

     14) Play From the Soul

     Nothing annoys people more than someone who feels strongly about
     their work. If anything you do gives you any sort of honest
     emotional tug, run with it. People will hate it.

     WARNING: Do not fake emotion, this may lead to uncontrollable
     success (see Nelson).

     15) Be Open Minded

     Write a lyric that shows you are comfortable with people's race or
     sexual preference. The nazi types will hate you and the people you
     referred to will think you're mocking them, and hate you for it.

     16) Write an Article Like This

     An article like this will offend other musicians, promoters and
     A&R Reps insuring you a comfortably long life of work unrewarded.

     17) Do Not Die!

     This can be a tough one to avoid. However, killing yourself or
     just plain dying can make even those really weak old four- tracks
     of yours practically invaluable. If do choose to perish do it in
     some way that is:

     1. Completely curable
     2. Embarrassing and
     3. Just plain stupid

     Syphilis is a good way to start or you might try an unchecked
     genital pierce infection.

     WARNING: Any variance on rule #17 may potentially curse you to a
     graffiti and flower covered grave and a spot in the annals of
     history (yuck).

     Good Luck!