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Date: Tue, 7 May 1996 02:10:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge 
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Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Tue, May 07 1996
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*File Description: Thus Spake Gates*

>This was in the Atlanta Journal/Constitution 9/10/95.
>"Thus spake Gates"
> by Jack Warner
>In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple.  And the PC was without form
>and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive.  And Bill
>said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS.  And Bill looked upon it, and it
>was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple.  And DOS grew and grew, until
>its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was
>And Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a
>processor of words; and lo, there was Word.  And Bill sayeth, Let there be a
>thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his
>kingdom grow apace.
>But there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the
>intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better
>Rapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after
>that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was
>So Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did,
>he looked upon it, and it was bad.
>So he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it
>right this time, yet they did not.
>Unrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth,
>Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers
>to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked
>upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but
>like hotcakes did it sell.
>And thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly
>Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.
>And so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificient version made, and his
>henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.
>Still it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised
>next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks,
>and columnists did heap their scorn upon it.  And came the minions of the
>Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath
>did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly.
>And that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the
>suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone
>before, set about building a great Hype.
>Into his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the
>fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and
>Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number.  As
>the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end,
>and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to
>give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great
>And so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs
>sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the
>newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.
>Heeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of
>midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come
>even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought
>ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.
>And Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his
>hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of
>Next Time.

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