Sorry gang, but its been real slow on the humor front. This is the best I've 
received this week -- pretty scary thought.

                                FWD>Fun File


A doctor and a lawyer, driving on a single-track road in the
Scottish highlands on a misty evening, crash into one
another.  As they stagger out of their cars and collapse
onto the side of the road, the lawyer asks the doctor, whose
forehead is bleeding, "Are you ok?"

"Yes, I think so," replies the doctor.  "How about you?"

Reaching into his pocket, the lawyer pulls out a silver
hipflask.  "I'm okay, but here, have a swig," he says
solicitously.  "It'll settle the nerves."

The doctor takes a grateful drag and passes the flask back.
The lawyer caps it and puts it back into his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have some?" asks the doctor, mopping
his forehead.

"Not until after the police have been here," says the


Favorite bumpers stickers...

1. I love animals, they taste great.

2. EARTH FIRST!!!  We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

3. "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."

4. Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

5. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

6. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

7. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

8. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

9. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

10. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

11. Lottery:  A tax on people who are bad at math.

12. All generalizations are false. including this one.

13. Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now.

14. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

15. Consciousness:  that annoying time between naps.

16. I don't suffer from insanity.  I enjoy every minute of it.

17. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

18. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

19. Few women admit their age.  Few men act theirs.

20.  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?


A fellow went for his first try at free-fall sky diving and was surprised to
find that the jumper across the aisle was a blind man with a seeing eye dog.
"I admire your courage," he said to the man, "but how do you know when to
pull the rip cord?"  "No problem." was the response. "I just wait till the
leash goes slack."


Signs You've Seen "Independence Day" Too Many Times

 10. Whenever a cloud passes in front of the sun, you scream, "We're all
gonna die!"

  9. You refer to any car larger than a Miata as "The Mother Ship"

  8. You've named your cats "Indy" and "Pendenceday"

  7. You always keep one hand on your popcorn so it won't get abducted

  6. You demand that the staff of your TV show address you as "Independence

  5. During a job interview, you take off your shirt and say, "See?  No

  4. You decide you're not voting for Clinton or Dole, because neither of
those punks can fly an F-14

  3. You've built one of those alien death rays to heat up your pancakes

  2. Whenever you're about to enter the men's room, you shout, "I'm gonna
whup E.T.'s ass!"

  1. Your new pick-up line: "Prepare to be probed"


National Parks vs. Idiots...

In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the
summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm
brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued.  A
helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from
the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close
she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When
the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping.

Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in
St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman
drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to
continue 1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no
geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw
them."  Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she
left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter
to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with
the information she wanted.

In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular
phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm
really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said,
"I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me
up."  The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she
had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really
tired." What happened next?   "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger
said, "her phone battery died."

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
   How much of the cave is underground?
   So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
   Does it ever rain in here?
   How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
   So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
   Where are the cages for the animals?
   What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
   What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
   Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:
   What time do you feed the bears?
   What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
   Can you show me where yeti lives?
   How often do you mow the tundra?
   How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:
   Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
   How do you turn it on?
   When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
   We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

The International Association of Convention & Visitors Bureaus polled its
members to discover the strangest questions they have ever been asked by
visitors.  Here are the top 10:

1.  "Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail.  We'd like to go for a walk
     (Anchorage, Alaska CVB)

2.  "Which beach is closest to the water?"
     (Florida Space Coast Office of Tourism)

3.  "Have we made peace with the Indians?"
     (Scottsdale, Arizona, Chamber of Commerce)

4.  "Where can we find Amish hookers?  We want to buy a quilt."
     (Pennsylvania Dutch CVB)

5.  "What is the official language of Alaska?"
     (Fairbanks, Alaska CVB)

6.  "What's the best time of year to watch the deer turn into elk?"
     (Denver Metro CVB)

7.  "Where are Scarlett and Rhett buried and are they buried together?"
     (Cobb County, Georgia, CVB)

8.  "If you go to a restaurant in Idaho and you don't want any kind of
     potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?"
     (Boise, Idaho, CVB)

9.  "I'm trying to build a flying saucer.  Where do I go for help?"
     (San Jose, California, CVB)

10. "Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?  I'd like to
     bring a group of students down to attend one."
     (New Orleans Metropolitan CVB)

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