Here's a couple of Christmas items to get you laughing through
the holidays:

> Christmas Angels
> It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. It was Christmas Eve and
> NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The
> Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in
> while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were
> dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and
> crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
> Santa was beside himself. "I can't believe this!," he said to himself. "I've
> got to deliver millions of presents all over the world a few hours from now
> and all my reindeer are drunk, the Elves are on strike, and I don't even have
> a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a
> tree and she isn't even back yet!  What am I going to DO?"
> Just then the little angel kicked opened the front door and draged a filthy,
> soaking wet tree onto the just-cleaned carpet and yells, "Yo, Santa! Where
> you want me to stick your Christmas Tree this year???"
> And so began the tradition of having a little angel perched atop the
> Christmas tree.


> The holidays are coming up again, so it's time for a fruit cake recipe (a
> natural line of thought for most of you, no doubt).
> You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs,
> two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
> of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
> Sample the whisky to check for quality.
> Take a large bowl.  Check the whisky again.  To be sure it is the highest
> quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer,
> beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar and
> beat again.
> Make sure the whisky is still OK.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the mixerer.
>  Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
>  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry is
> loose with a drewscriver.
> Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups of salt.
>  Or something.  Who cares?  Check the whisky.  Now gift the lemon juice and
> strain your nuts.  Add one table. Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever
> you can find.
> Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat off
> the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.  Check the whiskey again, and
> go to bed.