Here's a couple of Christmas items to get you laughing through the holidays: > Christmas Angels > > It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. It was Christmas Eve and > NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The > Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in > while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were > dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and > crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. > > Santa was beside himself. "I can't believe this!," he said to himself. "I've > got to deliver millions of presents all over the world a few hours from now > and all my reindeer are drunk, the Elves are on strike, and I don't even have > a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a > tree and she isn't even back yet! What am I going to DO?" > > Just then the little angel kicked opened the front door and draged a filthy, > soaking wet tree onto the just-cleaned carpet and yells, "Yo, Santa! Where > you want me to stick your Christmas Tree this year???" > > And so began the tradition of having a little angel perched atop the > Christmas tree. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > FRUIT CAKE RECIPE > > The holidays are coming up again, so it's time for a fruit cake recipe (a > natural line of thought for most of you, no doubt). > > You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, > two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup > of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. > > Sample the whisky to check for quality. > > Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest > quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, > beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and > beat again. > > Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. > Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. > Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry is > loose with a drewscriver. > > Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. > Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now gift the lemon juice and > strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever > you can find. > > Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off > the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again, and > go to bed.