"I love cats...they taste just like chicken" 

  "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." 

  "Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes." 

  "Cover me.  I'm changing lanes." 

  "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" 

  "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
  ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." 

  "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." 

  "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." 

  "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." 

  "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." 

  "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" 

  "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" 

  "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." 

  "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." 

  "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." 

  "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." 

  "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." 

  "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." 

  "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." 

  "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home." 

  "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" 

  "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" 

  "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a 

  "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic 

  "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" 

  "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" 

  "My kid can beat up your honor student!" 

  "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" 

  "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."