After the incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant.
  Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?"
  Hugh replied "it was worth a million."
  So Bill called up the lady.  Since she became famous her prices were up, 
  and Bill paid her $10,000 for a night. In the morning he said, "that was
  fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine.'" 
  She answered "thank-you. And now I know why you call your company 
  One day this guy named Joe was hitchhiking along this road. A guy pulls 
  up and asks, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
  Joe said, "I'm a Democrat." So the guy drives away.
  A couple hours later an old hag drives up and asks the same question, Joe
  gives the same answer, so the hag drives away.
  Later still this hot, sexy chick drives up and asks, "Are you a
  Republican or a Democrat." Tired of waiting by the side of the road, Joe 
  says, "Republican." And the chick lets him in.
  As they drove down the road, the wind is blowing hard in the chick's car
  and her dress starts to go up over her head.
  Joe says, "Stop the car and let me out."
  "Why?" asks the chick.
  Joe says, "Because I've been a Republican for only fifteen minutes and I
  already feel like screwing somebody."
  The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening,
  as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
  fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you
  have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As
  a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish
  but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches".
  One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
  discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he
  saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then
  took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by
  raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to
  show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but
  before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
  head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait
  until I tell you about this". "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And
  take that sex maniac with you!"
       Did you hear about  the trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig
   to the top of a steep  hill as was just starting down the equally steep
   other side when he  noticed a man and a woman making love in the center
   of the highway? He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing
  down on them.  Realizing that  they were not  about to get out of his way 
  he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
      Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the
   front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road and
  yelled, 'What's the hells the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me 
  blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'
      The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned
  looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were 
  coming. You were the only one with brakes.'
   There were 3 nuns that died and were going to heaven.
  They got to the gate and were told each would have to answer
  a question.
   They looked at each other and said "Okay No problem"
  The first stepped forward , The gate keeper said " Who was the first
  man created"?
   The first nun said " Thats easy, It was Adam".
   Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up and she
  walked in.
   The second nun stepped up and the gate keeper asked her "
   Who was the first woman created"?
   The nun said "Thats easy too! It was Eve."
   Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up and she walked in.
   The third nun stepped up and the gate keeper asker her
    "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
   She stood and thought and thought and scratched her head and
  then said " Hmmmm Thats a hard one."
   Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up.
      A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and
  orders a    hamburger.  The huge guy behind the counter
  bellows, "One burger!"
      The   cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!",
  whereupon he grabs  a huge   hunk of chopped meat, stuffs
  it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze
  it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
   The old lady   says, "That's the most disgusting thing I
  think I've   ever seen."  The   counterman says, "Yeah?  You
  should be here in the  morning when he makes the
                  THE NEW FARMER
  This guy moves from the city to the country to try hog
  farming.  Having never been a farmer before, this guy
  asks around and ends up buying three sows (female hogs
  used for breeding), but they never had any babies. So
  he calls the vet to find out what he can do to get these
  sows to have babies.
  The vet tells him that he needs to find a boar (a male
  hog) to breed the sows.  The farmer calls around, but he
  can't find a boar for sale.  He goes back to the vet and
  tells him he can't find a boar, so the vet suggests
  artificial insemination.  Not knowing what artificial
  insemination is, but not wishing to appear ignorant, he
  goes home to think about it, and decides that artificial
  insemination meant he needed to do the job himself.
  So, the next day he loads the three sows in the back of the
  truck, takes them to the woods, and has his way with them.
  He comes back and realizes he doesn't know how he will be
  able to tell if the insemination had worked.  So he calls the
  vet.  The vet tells him it is really easy to tell with hogs.
  The vet advises the farmer to "look out the window tomorrow
  morning and, if the sows are rolling around in the mud, the
  insemination worked".
  Next morning the ol boy gets up and runs to the window and
  sees that the sows are just standing around.  So, again, he
  takes the sows and puts them in the back of his truck, drives
  out to the woods and again has his way with them.  Next
  morning he looks out his window and, again, the sows are
  still just standing around.
  So, he takes them out in the truck and has his way with them
  for the third time.  Being exhausted from his work of the
  past few days, the next morning the farmer sleeps through his
  alarm clock and wakes up in a rush, and instantly thinks about
  his sows.  His wife is doing dishes in front of the window,
  and so the guy asks his wife to "look out the window and tell
  me what those sows are doing".  His wife looks out the window
  and he asks her if "they are just standing around".
  "Noooo", she says.
  Now, this new farmner IS excited.  "You mean they are rolling
  around in the mud", he asks?  "No, she says.  Two are in the
  back of the truck and the other one is sitting in the front
  honking the horn".
  A missionary was trying to educate an indigenous tribe in the ways of the
  modern world. As part of this education, he attempted to teach them 
  English. One day the missionary was out walking with the tribe's chief, 
  trying to show him the meaning of English words. As they walked through 
  the forest, the missionary would point to various objects and say, "This 
  is called a tree...this is named a monkey, ect..." 
  Suddenly, they heard some noises eminating from behind a bush. As they 
  approached, the missionary soon saw that it was a native man and a woman 
  fooling around. The chief looked inquisitively at the embarrassed 
  missionary, who stuttered a bit before finally blurting out, "That is a 
  man riding a bike." The chief then pulled out his poison bow and arrow, 
  aimed, and fired at the man. 
  The stunned missionary exclaimed, "Chief, what did you do that for?" And 
  the chief responded, "My bike!"
  The Pope comes to America, Denver,Colorado as a matter of fact.  After
  speaking in Denver, he asks his driver to take him out the country so he 
  can see some of the famous area scenery.
  After driving a little while, he lowers the glass between him and the 
  driver and says "Say, driver, did you know that I used to drive myself 
  everywhere until I became Pope, now I never get to drive and I really 
  miss it."  "Do you think I could have a turn at the wheel out here in the 
  country?" "Why sure," replies the driver as he pulls over to the 
  Thus the Pope and the driver exchange places and continue on.  The Pope 
  has the window down, radio on, just enjoying himself immensely, driving 
  faster and faster.  He passes a Highway Patrolman who quickly pursues and 
  pulls him over.
  Upon walking up to the driver's window and seeing the Pope, the patrolman 
  is taken aback and can only mutter "Ah,ah,  please wait here".  He 
  promptly calls in to his dispatcher and asks for the police chief.  He 
  says to the chief, "Chief, you've gotta come out here, I've stopped 
  somebody big and I don't know what to do."  
  The Chief quickly replies, "Did you stop the Major of Denver"?
  "Bigger than that," replied the patrolman.  "Oh my, did you stop the
  governor?" gasped the Chief.  "Bigger," replied the patrolman.  "You 
  didn't stop the President,did you?" asked the Chief, mortified at the 
  possibility. "Bigger than him," replied the patrolman.  "Who the hell 
  could be bigger than the President?" screamed the Chief in disbelief.  "I 
  don't know" replied the patrolman, "but he's got the Pope driving him