BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer
  cost quite a bit."
  BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time 
  bragging about your computer skill.
  BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen
  for more than 15 minutes.  Also: What computer magazine companies do to 
  you after they get you on their mailing list.
  CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid
  having to leave their keyboards for meals.
  COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much
  time at your computer and not enough time studying.
  CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, 
  as in "You %@& computer!"
  DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard
  for seven hours at a clip.
  DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install
  your computer.
  ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom 
  "just to look."
  EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house
  your computer and all its peripherals.
  FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a 
  day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
  FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack 
  of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
  HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you
  haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
  IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to
  drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
  MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll
  be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
  MONITOR - Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word
  actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall
  pass at school.
  PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you
  hooked your computer up to it.
  RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and 
  a half.
  TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals
  on hot computers.
  WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase 
  a program that took you three days to set up.
  Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
  (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0
  and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must
  be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it,
  Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
  Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0...
  - A "Don't remind me again" button
  - Minimize button
  - Shutdown feature
  - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
  uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
  I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
  tried using the same i/o port and conflicted.  Then I tried to unistall
  girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.  I tried to
  uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.  Another
  thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it
  is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold
  plated contacts.
  *****  BUG WARNING  ********
  Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
  before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
  doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
  claiming insufficient resources.
  Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
  European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of
  improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
  European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
  unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through
  and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes
  to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
  administered by a committee staff at top level by participating
  In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
  instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities
  would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced
  by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this
  klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters
  kould be made with one less letter.
  There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould
  be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written
  'f. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in
  In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
  expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
  possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
  which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
  We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag
  is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
  writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years
  sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as
  replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken
  on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'e'. Shortly after zis, ze
  unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar
  arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
  Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl 
  riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls difikultis and 
  evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt 
  vud finali hav kum tru.
  Top 10 Signs You Work in Consulting:
  10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
  improve their process.
  9.  You get all excited cause it's Saturday and you can wear casual 
  clothes to work.
  8.  Refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
  7.  Find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
  6.  Normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive 
  restaurant in town within the same week.
  5.  Wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion 
  4.  Know the people at the airport and hotel better  than your next door
  3.  Ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night 
  2.  You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his 
  ideas into a 2 by 2 matrix.
  1.  Think a half-day means leaving the office at 5 o'clock