1.  Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

   Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3
friends. If they're OK, you're it. 

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the 

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in 

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 

If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. 

COROLLARY:  If you are given a take-home test, you will forget 
where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that 
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 
warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because 
the average man can see better than he can think.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make 
you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence 
on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from 
where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan 
will not be evenly distributed.

Supplement:  A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.