How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? 
LOVE:           when your eyes meet across a crowded room.      
LUST:           when your tongues meet across a crowded room.   
MARRIAGE:       when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't 
LOVE:           when intercourse is called making love.         
LUST:           all other times.        
MARRIAGE:       what's intercourse?     
LOVE:           when you argue over how many children to have.  
LUST:           when you argue over who gets the wet spot.      
MARRIAGE:       when you argue over money.      
LOVE:           when you share everything you own.      
LUST:           when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.       
MARRIAGE:       when the bank owns everything.  
LOVE:           when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.     
LUST:           when the relationship is over if you don't climax.      
MARRIAGE:       what's a climax?        
LOVE:           when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".         
LUST:           when you phone each other just to organize sex. 
MARRIAGE:       when you phone each other to find out what time your son's 
game starts.    
LOVE:           when you write poems about your partner.        
LUST:           when all you write is your phone number.        
MARRIAGE:       when all you write is cheques.  
LOVE:           when you show concern for your partners' feelings.      
LUST:           when you couldn't give a shit.  
MARRIAGE:       when your only concern is what's on TV.         
LOVE:           when your farewell is "I LOVE you darling ...". 
LUST:           when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".       
MARRIAGE:       when your farewell is silent.   
LOVE:           when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.      
LUST:           when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.       
MARRIAGE:       when you never see each other awake.    
LOVE:           when your heart flutters every time you see them.       
LUST:           when your groin twitches every time you see them.       
MARRIAGE:       when your wallet empties every time you see them.       
LOVE:           when nobody else matters.       
LUST:           when nobody else knows. 
MARRIAGE:       when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.       
LOVE:           when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.  
LUST:           when it's just the same mushy old shit. 
MARRIAGE:       when you never listen to music.         
LOVE:           when breaking up is something you try not to think about.       
LUST:           when staying together is something you try not to think about.  
MARRIAGE:       when just getting through today is your only thought.   
LOVE:           when you're interested in everything your partner does.         
LUST:           when you're only interested in one thing.       
MARRIAGE:       when you're not interested in what your partner does and the 
one thing you're interested in is your golf score.      

A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell.  He's really depressed as
he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance
counselor.  He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't
that bad.  I never thought it would come to this."  Looking up he sees
that it is his turn to be processed into hell.  With fear and a heavy
heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy:  Well, what do you think?  I'm in hell.

Counselor:  Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you
like to drink?

Guy:  Sure, I love to drink.
Counselor:  Well then, you are going to love Mondays.  On Mondays we
drink up a storm.  You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever
you want and as much a you want. We party all night long.  You'll love
Mondays.  Do you smoke?

Guy:  Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor:  You are going to love Tuesdays.  Tuesday is smoke day.  You
get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.
And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer
because you are already dead!  Is that great or what?  You are going
to love Tuesdays.  Do you do drugs?

Guy:  Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor:  You are going to love Wednesdays.  That's drug day.  You can
experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead.  You are going
to love Wednesdays.  Do you gamble?

Guy:  Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor:  You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day
and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything!
You are going to love Thursdays.  Are you gay?

Guy:  Well, no I'm not.

Counselor:  Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...