I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 
 They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  -- Rita Rudner
 I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The 
 girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
  -- Jay Leno
 The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day 
 you're off it.
  -- Jackie Gleason
 Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.  
 -- Red Buttons
 I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I wanna know 
 your name"
  -- Mike Binder
 Advertising:  The science of arresting the human intelligence long 
 enough to get money from it.
  -- Stephen Leacock
 Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? 
 But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
  -- Steve Bluestone
 Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and 
 anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  -- George Carlin
 You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
 when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
  -- Ellen DeGeneris
 I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.  
 -- Carol Leifer
 I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair 
 my arms instead.
  -- Sue Kolinsky
 The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught 
 dead in otherwise.
  -- Roger Simon
 You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow 
 you'll be afraid to cough.
  -- Pearl Williams
 Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army 
 instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 
 seventy-five cents.
  -- Billiam Coronel
 I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.  
 -- Dave Edison
 Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery
 has just taken place.
  -- Johnny Carson
 It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper 
 dryin' on the clothesline.
  -- George Lindsey
 Never moon a werewolf.
  -- Mike Binder
 If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by 
 -- George Gobel