From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
 asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
 My young brother asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we
 get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I
 should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
 eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.   Age 10
 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better
 have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.   Age 5
 I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was
 just a lawn mower.   Age 11
 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine
 that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
 water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the
 population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
 Once there was a big fire and everyone died.   Age 13
 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
 dog.  Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away
 all of his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.  Age 14
 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
 why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
 clothes on the last day of their life?   Age 15
 Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
 about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"   Age 15
 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the President's
 birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a
 lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
 just for the long weekends.   Age 8
 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
 few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
 days saved up.   Age 7
 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
 just any old yokel vote.   Age 10
 Home is where the house is.   Age 6
 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
 That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.   Age 15
 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
 accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it,
 the blood would be right there.   Age 5
 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
 the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.   Age 13
 The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
 it odd that I drive without pants.   Age 15
 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
 Age 13
 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
 Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
 That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.   Age 6
 Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if
 you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest
 number you could come up with!   Age 6
 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
 "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
 morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
 Age 15
 Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no
 feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed
 them, right?   Age 15
 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
 people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
 Age 15
 I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself, at
 which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine they
 appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
 right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.  I tell
 Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
 and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle that we
 have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
 table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  They  gasp with
 wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.   Age 15
 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
 peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
 looting started.   Age 15