I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heros. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before itcrashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ What you call 50 Millionaires watching the Super Bowl.....The Dallas Cowboys. 1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? ..... A huddle. 2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? ..... The police. 3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?..... It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons. 4. Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will be 6-8 weeks before he can video a teammate having sex. 5. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine. 6. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass." 7. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System." Yes your Honor, No your Honor. 8. The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year: 12 arrests, 5 convictions. 9. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they went and hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran. 10. How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? Studying the Miranda Rights. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Steven Wright is alive and well.... --- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone. I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it. Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. What's another word for Thesaurus? I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. On the other hand, you have different fingers. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Top Ways Owe J. Simpson can earn $33.5 Million. 1) Unretire and play for the Dallas Cowboys. Police record is irrelevant. 2) New Bruno Magli shoe. 'Air Simpson' 3) Dan Marino out; Owe J. in Isotoner ads. 4) Spokesperson for Ginsu knives. 5) Join the Professional Golf Tour. 6) Buy a Canadian baseball team and rename it the 'Toronto O Jays'. 7) 'O.J. Aid' Telethon. 8) Bronco Salesperson. 9) Volunteer for jury duty, pay adds up. 10) Hired Assassin 11) Sell his kids to Michael Jackson. 12) Offer to accept the reward for revealing the identity of the real killer. 13) A male model -- he's been known to be a real lady killer. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up." "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says,"Oh really, how much have you got so far." "So far....ten gallons."