Happy Friday! Go UCLA! Brian Murphy aka MurphDog Clairemont ----------------------------------- There are these three men and thy are captured by a tribe of Indians. The Chief Indian sail to these three men, "We are going to kill all three of you and use you skins to make our canoes". One of the three men put up his hand and said to the Chief Indian, "Where we come from, if you are going to kill someone, you must grant them a final wish." The Chief replied, "Okay then, the three of you will have one last wish". The first man said, "I would like a knife". The Chief gave the man a knife and the man killed himself. The second man said, "I would also like a knife." The Chief gave this man a knife and he too slit his own throat. At this point the Chief was laughing at these men, as they would rather kill themselves than let the Indians do it. The third man requested a fork. The puzzled Chief gave him the fork and the third man began stabbing himself all over with the forks saying, "You aren't going to make a canoe out of my skin you bastards!" +++++++++++++++++++++ Two irishmen, Johnny and Mickey, decided to go bar hopping. To their predicament, they only have 10 dollars between the two of them. "Hey I got this idea," said Johnny. "Let's go buy a hot dog, and once we've drank a few beers, you place the hot dog between your legs and I'll pretend I'm giving you head. For sure they'll throw us out, then we don't have to pay anything." "Great idea," said Mickey. So after a few rounds of beer in the 1st bar, they proceeded with their plan. Indeed they were thrown out and did not have to pay for the tab. After being thrown out of 5 bars, the Johnny said "Hic, Lets's call it a night. I'm dead drunk. Give me the hot dog and we'll do it again tomorrow." Mickey answered, "Hic, sorry, I lost the hot dog ...hic... when they threw us out of the 1st bar." ++++++++++++++++++++ How do you make spagetti? Hit a lepper over the head with a tennis racket. What did the lepper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip! +++++++++++++++++++++ A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again."