Here's a few more....go UCLA!

Brian Murphy
San Diego, CA

"Pretty women make us buy beer. 
Ugly women make us drink beer." - Al Bundy


A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, 
annoying voice.  The doctor examined him, and told him that 
the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis 
with a smaller one.  The guy is desperate and decides to go 
through with the operation.  It's a great success and the 
man has a fantastic baritone.

But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he 
decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment 

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could 
get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot."

"Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, 
annoying voice.


In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last 
days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that 
she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker 
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it 
in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the 
inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"


(oldie but one of my favorites courtesy of Chris Marcotte and Dave

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick
of the stress.  He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as
far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so of almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch.  Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.  Havin' a
party Saturday.  Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam.  "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks.  Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some

"Not a problem.  After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that
with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops.  "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin', too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd.  "Well, I get along with people. I'll
be there.  Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door.  "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear
to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want.  It's just
gonna be the two of us."