Happy Friday everybody. Here's some jokes ... GO UCLA!

Brian Murphy
San Diego, CA

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?" -- Steven Wright


A man with no arms went to the priest and asked for the job of
bellringer.  The priest told him he surely could not pull the ropes
and ring the heavy bells without arms.  The man pleaded with the
priest, who finally agreed to go to the bell tower to let the man try.
The armless man tried and tried to pull the ropes.  Failing, he runs
at the bell as fast as he can.  Unfortunately, he bounces off the bell
and falls out of the tower to the ground below.  

A crowd has gathered near the body.  A lady in the crowd says,
"Father, do you know this man?"  "No, sister, but his face sure rings
a bell!"


So this couple is driving through the back roads in the 
mountains. It is winter, it is cold, and it is snowing.

Suddenly, a skunk runs out across the road in front of the car. 
The husband swerves the car, bouncing the skunk off of one 
of the tires. The skunk skids off the road into the bushes.

The wife goes crazy - "Honey! Honey! You hit the little skunk! 
Honey! You gotta stop and see if he's okay!"

The husband, none too happy, but quite familiar with the 
consequences of NOT doing what the wife asks, pulls over 
to the side of the road, and gets out to go check on the little 
skunk.  He finds the skunk in the bushes, stunned but none 
the worse for wear. He tells his wife, "He's just stunned, he'll
be fine in a little while."

The wife, getting a bit huffy at this point, whines, "Honeeeey, 
it's soooo coooold out there, he'll freeze!"

The husband, "So whadda you want me to do about it?"

The wife whines more demandingly, "Honeeeeyyy! Pick him 
up and we can take him to the vet in the next town!"

So, the husband goes and picks up the skunk, brings it over,
and lays it in his wife's lap.  He gets in the car and starts 
driving. After a few minutes, the husband notices that the 
skunk is laying there shivvering from the cold, and tells the 
wife, "Honey, if you don't keep him warm, that little guy is 
gonna freeze before we get to the next town!" 

The wife, noticing it, asks, "What do you want me to do?"

The husband says, "Well, pull your skirt up and put the skunk 
between your legs, and pull your dress up around him like 
a little blanket. That will keep him a lot warmer."

Shocked at sucha suggestion, the wife snaps back, 
"Dammit honey, that thing STINKS!"

The husband turns and says, "That's all right, just reach 
down and hold his little nose then..."


A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender! I just had my first
blowjob! Give me three shots of yer finest whiskey."

"Congratulations," said the bartender. "You want a beer chaser to go
with that?"

"Nah. If the whiskey don't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing


For five years, two rednecks and an Irishman have worked side by
side every day as window washers, and every night after work they
stopped for a drink. One day, disaster struck, and the Italian fell to
his death. The police came to the site and began asking questions.

"Where does he live?" The rednecks shrugged their shoulders. "Is
he married?" The rednecks didn't know. "What is his NAME?" The rednecks
shrugged again. "You worked with this guy for five years and you don't
know anything about him?" the cop asked.

"I know something about him," one redneck volunteered. "He has two

"What are you talking about?" said the cop.

"Well," said the redneck, "Whenever we go for a drink after work the
bartender says, 'Here comes the drunk with the two assholes.'"