A Letter From Barbie
                                                Malibu, CA 90777

April 8, 1997

Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA  90888

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing 
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in 
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There
had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that
earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done.

6.  A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. 
How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,