DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK. 1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 6. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 7. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 8. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 9. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 10. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 11. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. 12. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 13. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 14. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 15. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 16. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 17. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 18. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.