On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him.  He asks the stewardess for a coffee where
upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"  The stewardess,
flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. 
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains it's glass and
bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch."  Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.  Unaccustomed
to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approch.  "I've asked you
twice for a coffee.  Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"  Next
moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards.  Plunging downwards the parrot
turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you're a ballsy


This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a
dark blue suit.  He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the
black suit that he's wearing?"  But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he
is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she loves
the suit and asks how much it cost.  He says, "Actually, it didn't cost
anything.  The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse
was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about
the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband
were buried in a black suit.  She said that was fine with her.  

"Good thinking," she says, "you just swapped suits."

His response, "Naaah, that's too much work. I just switched the heads!"


One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical
plant.  Before long it had exploded into a major blaze and alarms went out to
fire departments for miles around.  After fighting the fire for over an hour,
the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of
our secret formulas are in a vault at the center of the plant.  They must be
saved.  I will give a $50,000 reward to the engine company that brings them
out safely!"

As soon as he heard this, the chief ordered his firemen to strengthen their
attack on the blaze.  After two more hours, the fire was still raging out of
control, so the company president upped his offer to $100,000.  Then from the
distance a long siren was heard as an old fire truck came into sight.  It was
a volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.  The little fire
engine roared through the plant gates and right on into the midst of the
inferno.  From a safe distance the rest of the firfighters watched in
amazement as the oldtimers hopped off of their rig and attacked the fire with
a fervor they had never before witnessed.

Within an hour the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret formulas.  Joyously the chemical company president announced that he
would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each
of the volunteers. Then he asked them what they intended to do with the
money.  The soot-covered driver stopped coughing just long enough to say,
"The first thing we're going to do is get those damn brakes fixed!"